


Harry Potter and the Overrated Stone

by Freohr_Weohnata_Kausta



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental Time Travel, Curing Coping Method Harry, Everything's a Cliche, Exceedingly Normal Dursleys, Gen, Genderbending, Giant Squid is a Boy, Giant Squid is turned into a Girl, Good!Dumbledore, Good!Dursleys, It goes away after a bit, Not-Manipulative Dumbledore, Slight Stockholm Syndrome Harry, Slightly Canon Harry, Time Travel, Tsundere Effect Characters, Tsundere Effect is where every character is paradoxically good and bad, bad!Dumbledore, bad!dursleys, manipulative!Dumbledore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22256383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freohr_Weohnata_Kausta/pseuds/Freohr_Weohnata_Kausta
Summary: He died, that was a given- but what exactly happened? One moment he was living life as an adult, the next he was back in his younger body; but one thing was for certain- he was going to find out what the bloody hell is wrong with everything and why it's all broken.
Kudos: 18





	1. Everything is Completely Normal

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posting from FFN because, I quote, "Not the property of uploading writer Please note we do not allow users to post lyrics to songs they did not write. Exception being works in the US public domain."  
> They deleted this on the grounds that it has song lyrics in it. 
> 
> IT DOES NOT HAVE ANY REFERENCE TO ANY SONG IN THERE.  
> tomorrow I'm re-uploading it onto FFN, but enjoy this on AO3 instead.  
> i was planning on uploading it here anyway.

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. Yup. Absolutely normal. NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM AT ALL. They were the last people you’d expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn’t hold with such nonsense.

Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings, which made drills. He was an obese, overweight man that had barely any neck to be seen, so you could easily compare him with a walrus. Though he did have a very thick, large, fancy, curled moustache that differentiated him from one, but not by much. Mrs. Dursley was the complete opposite, she was unhealthily thin, blonde-haired, and had twice the amount of neck- probably to make up for Mr. Dursley’s lack of- which was useful for peering into her neighbor’s ‘yards’, or so she said; she closely resembled a horse due to that neck. Now, the Dursleys had a ‘small’ son called Dudley and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere. Well, if you could call an extremely small whale ‘fine’.

The Dursleys had everything they wanted: a normal life, filled with obese men and thin wives, but they had a dark, dark secret. That secret was so un-Dursleyish that they feared someone would find out about it.

That secret? The Potters. Yes, a fine name I might say. Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley’s sister, but they hadn’t met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn’t have a sister, because her good-for-nothing husband were, as I said before, unDursleyish as it was possible to be. The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters were arrived in the street. The Potters had a small son, too, but they have never had the fortune to meet this wonderful child.

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up on the dull grey Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country. Nope nothing at all. Completely normal day in England. The perfectly normal Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work, and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily as she wrestled a screaming Dudley into his perfectly normal high chair.

None of them noticed a large, tawny owl flutter past the window.

At half past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek, and tried to kiss Dudley good-bye but missed, because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls. “Little tyke,” chortled Mr. Dursley as he left the house. He got into his perfectly normal car and backed out of number four’s perfectly normal drive.

It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar – a cat reading a map. For a second, Mr. Dursley didn’t realize what he had seen – then he jerked his head around to looked again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn’t a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of? It must have been a trick of the light, yes, yes, it was a trick of the light, there was no way a CAT could be reading a map! Mr. Dursley stared at the cat. It stared back. As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive – no, _looking_ at the sign; cats couldn’t read maps _or_ signs. Mr. Dursley shook himself, and by extension the car, and put the cat out of his mind. As he drove toward town he thought of nothing abnormal, the only normal thought was the large order of drills that he was going to get, and if there was a single one missing, he would get to yell at his underlings. Yes, what a wonderfully normal day this was going to be.

All of that was shot when he noticed, while stuck in traffic, people out in robes and cloaks – some stupid new fashion Mr. Dursley guessed. While he was drumming his finger on the steering wheel, thinking of a perfectly normal song, he looked at some of the weirdos nearby. They seemed to be whispering excitedly about something. Mr. Dursley felt his eyes widen when he saw an old man in that getup, he had to be older than Mr. Dursley! But then, it struck Mr. Dursley that this was some sort of silly stunt – these people were obviously collecting for something. . . yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on and a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on drills and shouting at coworkers.

Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in the office on the ninth floor. If he hadn’t he might’ve found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. _He_ didn’t see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead. Most of them had never seen an owl before. City people. Mr. Dursley had a normal, owl-free morning. He yelled at five people, made some very important telephone calls and shouted some more. He also got a contract through intimidation.

When lunchtime rolled around, he had completely forgotten about the weirdos. But it ‘twas not to be. He had stretched his legs and gotten a bun at the bakery, when he saw _them_ again. He had collected his doughnut, straight from the oven, and walked back outside when he saw a group of them muttering. He frowned and clutched his doughnut in a bag closer to his chest.

“Yes, yes the Potters, that’s what I heard, too-”

“-Harry, their son, I heard-”

Mr. Dursley froze. It wasn’t the simple chill down your back, no, it was the freezing of your entire normal world and then someone grabbing it and throwing it onto the ground, shattering it into a million pieces, then laughing at your misfortune. He looked back at the weirdos, but didn’t say anything, didn’t want to draw attention to a normal person like him. He quickly made his way back to his office, where he barked at his secretary to not bother him.

He hesitated over the final number when he changed his mind, Mrs. Dursley wouldn’t like to be bothered by rumors, now would she? Mr. Dursley wasn’t even sure Harry was he nephew’s name, it might’ve been Harvey, or even Harold; It could’ve been Harriet, for all he knew! He’d never even seen the boy!

Mr. Dursley couldn’t concentrate on anything the rest of the day after that. When Five O’clock came around, he quickly- well, as quick as someone his girth could go- exited his building. So lost in his thoughts he was, he bumped into a tiny old man.

“Sorry,” Mr. Dursley grunted instinctively as the old man stumbled and almost fell. It took Mr. Dursley a few seconds to notice that the tiny old man was wearing a violet cloak.

The little man’s face split wide open, instead of being annoyed he seemed happy, “Don’t be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset my today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!”

The man hugged Mr. Dursley around the middle, well as much as his hands could reach, and walked off, a spring in his step.

Rooted to the spot like a very large and old oak, Mr. Dursley stood- he had been hugged by a complete and unknown stranger. Had been called a Muggle- whatever that might’ve been. His bones rattled inside his body- shaking to the core. He rushed to his car- as fast as someone his girth could, at least- and drove off towards his home, desperately hoping that he was imagining things- which he had never hoped before, as he abhorred imagination.

Nasty, disgusting thing, Imagination was. Err- sorry, Mr. Dursley’s thoughts on imagination, you see. Anyway, he pulled into the driveway of number four, and seeing the most abhorrent thing- the same thing he saw this morning- was the tabby cat that was now sitting on his garden wall like it owned the place!

Pulling himself out of his car when he parked it in his driveway, he motioned at the cat, “Shoo!” It didn’t move, only giving him a stern look. That was not normal. Frowning, Mr. Dursley pulled himself together and let himself into his house- determined not to mention anything abnormal to his normal wife.

Mrs. Dursley had a _wonderfully_ normal day. She told him(Gossiped) over dinner about how Mrs. Next Door’s problems with her daughter and how Dudley (the baby whale if you forgot) learned a new word- “Won’t!” he had proclaimed when Mrs. Dursley mentioned it. After their meal, the baby whale had been put to sleep, and the adults went down to watch the news.

“And finally, bird-watcher everywhere have reported that the nation’s owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt during the night and are hardly ever seen in daylight, there have been hundreds of sights of these birds flying in every direction since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern.” The newscaster grinned, “Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?”

“Well, Ted,” spoke the weatherman as the camera switched over to him, “I don’t know about that, but it’s not only the owls that have been acting oddly today. Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in telling me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they’ve had a downpour of shooting starts! Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early- it’s not until next week, folks! But I can promise a wet night tonight.”

Mr. Dursley felt the shattering of his normal world even more- like the person who broke it started digging their foot into the glass, trying to ground it into a fine sand. Shooting stars, Owls in daylight, Mysterious people in cloaks all over the place? Whispers about the Potters. . .

Bah! I couldn’t be anything! But, well, Mr. Dursley told himself, he might as well ask Mrs. Dursley what her nephew’s name was- just to make sure he was just hearing things. Gathering his courage (which wasn’t much, to be honest) he puffed up his chest and looked at his wife as she came into the room with a tray of tea.

“Petunia, dear, what was your nephew’s name again?” He asked.

Mrs. Dursley froze where she was pouring the tea, “W-what was that, Vernon?”

Mr. Dursley cleared his throat, now scared, “I asked what your nephew’s name was- the pottery boy.”

“Harry,” She coughed out, then continued to pour the tea.

Mr. Dursley was now worried. No, no, he wouldn’t mention that he heard whispers about them, trying to save at least _some_ normalcy. Deciding to not say another word on the subject, they finally went upstairs to bed.

While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley peered out the window into the front garden. The damnable cat was still there, as if waiting for something. Now, Mr. Dursley has heard lots of things about cats and how they would have strange behaviors all the time, but this is stretching it a bit far. He shuddered, wondering (and hoping) that it had nothing to do with the Potters.

The Dursleys finally got into bed and the missus quickly fell asleep, but Mr. Dursley lay awake, his thoughts unsettled. He had few comforting thoughts, but the last one he had before falling into an uneasy sleep, was even _if_ the Potters were involved, they wouldn’t have anything to do with his family- the Potters knew very well what they thought of their kind.

Oh, how very wrong he was.


	2. Something is Distinctly NOT Normal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Book has been uploaded to FFN now, so here's this chapter on here now.
> 
> and now we wait...

What the bloody fucking hells just happened!? Is this some sort of prank? It would be something that they would definitely pull, but it doesn’t feel like one- he’s been through loads of them, so he’d know if it was a prank.

But the main problem was: He was back in the damnable cupboard.

He was ninety percent sure he burnt this house down at the end of the war. _Ninety percent_. They were good numbers.

Hey, wait- who’s breathing is that? It’s going a bit too fast- oh, wait, that’s his. He’s hyperventilating.

He took a deep breath through his nose, only to start coughing from all the dust. “Boy!” a voice screeched from outside.

“Aw, shit,” he muttered.

“What was that?!” the voice screeched again.

“Nothing, Aunt Petunia!” He called out to said horse-harpy.

“Hmph. Get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon. And don’t you _dare_ let it burn- I want everything perfect on Dudley’s birthday!” footsteps receded from the cupboard door.

Well, shit.

Was it that time already? Better make it perfect!

Hold, the fuck on. Where did that come from? He better not be getting that- whatever it was called, something with an ‘s’- effect. Hermione told him of that thing once, the one were the captive became sufficient on the captor and was actually looked forward to their visits? Yeah, he better not be getting that. That would suck.

Opening the door- oh, look, he had clothes on, including socks- he made his way to the kitchen. As he started on the bacon, he pondered on his situation.

First of all, he somehow made his way into the past again. That was a given, but how far? Judging by the photos and Horse’s words, it’s Dudley’s birthday. Which one, though?

Pausing, he looked down at his body- definitely somewhere around ten years old.

Damn, he needed food; he was stick-thin.

Second of all, he is now in his untrained and untoned body. He pouted, he liked his old one, it actually had _meat_ on it. Oh, well, better train up earlier now that he knows what’s happening.

Turning the bacon over, Vernon entered, saying, “Good morning Petunia, Harry!”

Hol’ up. What the fuck. What the actual, literal, fuck?! Vernon, _VERNON_ , of all people being, gasp, _nice_! To him, even!

_What in the bloody fucking hells is going on_. Something is up. Something is definitely going on. something weird.

Is it too late to say that this might actually be a dream? Or, like, a prank? Because, he’s pretty sure that the Dursleys weren’t _this_ bi-polar. Or, like, actually bi-polar at all.

Deciding to put that out of mind for now, he found out that he had actually said something in reply while in auto-pilot mode. He needed to fix that.

He continued about cooking the bacon and was starting up frying the bacon when Dudley came clumping down the stairs. Ignoring him, Dudley went straight to the presents piled up on the table. Slowly, he started counting them.

It took him a while, as, by the time he had loaded the plate up with bacon and eggs, Dudley was just finishing up counting, “Thir- Thir- Thirty-six.” He looked dejected. Good. “That’s two less than last year.”

“Darling you haven’t counted Auntie Marge’s present, see, it’s here right under this big one from mommy and daddy,” Petunia tried placating him.

“Alright, thirty-seven, then.” Dudley was going red now.

Harry crunched on his bacon loudly, getting ready for the show.

“And we’ll buy you another _two_ presents when we’re out today. How’s that, popkin? _Two_ more presents. Is that all right?” Petunia tried de-escalating the situation.

Harry pouted, and he was ready for a tantrum. He got the bacon and everything!

The Pig of a human nodded dumbly, “That means, I’ll have thirty, thirty, thirty,”

“Thirty-nine,” Petunia helped.

“Oh.” Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest present, using his stubby fingers to find a crease to open it from. “All right then.”

Vernon chuckled heartily, “Atta boy! Just wanting his money’s worth, just like his father!” he reached over and ruffled Dudley’s hair, mussing it up even more.

The telephone rang and Petunia went to go grab it, while Harry felt a chill run down his spine. It wasn’t the usual ‘Evil person nearby’ chill that he usually felt, no, it was a ‘fear for his sanity’ type of chill. That being said, he had just barely made it to the door of the room before Petunia came back, a frown marring her face.

“Bad news, Vernon. Figg has broken her leg and can’t take him,” she jerked her head at Harry, “in to watch.”

Now, Harry knew how this would go down: Dudley would wail in sadness, while Vernon and Petunia would try to decide whether they would take him. It was also the day he had learned he was a Paselmouth, or snake-speaker. While Harry was deciding whether to make friends with a Boa or not, Dudley started wailing and Vernon and Petunia started a whispered conversation in the kitchen.

Harry was just coming out of his deep argument- the ‘making friends with a Boa’ won- as soon as the doorbell rang. Looking up, he commented idly, “Oh, look who’s arrived just in time.” At the same time as Petunia exclaimed, “Oh goodness, they’re here!”

Minutes later- about half an hour- they were making their way to the zoo in Vernon’s car. When a few motorcycles passed them, Vernon started muttering about how noisy and annoying they were. Harry declined to comment unlike last time, as he didn’t want Vernon to crash the car- the last time this happened, Vernon almost crashed it.

They soon entered the zoo and Dudley and Piers sped off into the crowds, Vernon, Petunia and Harry following them. They spent several hours outside in the beating sun, making everyone sweat horribly, and by lunchtime, they were almost covered in sweat. Other than Harry, who had used a few wandless cooling charms on himself.

After lunchtime, they went into the reptile house, which was cooler than the outside. Dudley and Piers instantly gravitated towards the Boa Constrictor, the biggest snake in the entire house. They started complaining about how it wouldn’t move, then Vernon tapped on the glass, and when nothing else happened, they went away bored and started looking at the other reptiles.

Harry watched the Boa carefully. Its eye snapped open and it looked around, when it saw Harry its eye snapped closed again. Moving towards the glass, Harry said in parseltongue, “ _Hey, buddy, they’re annoying, aren’t they?_ ”

Both of the Boa’s eyes snapped open this time and its head raised minutely to look up at Harry. Harry grinned, “ _Yeah, I’m a parselmouth. Now, here’s what we’re going to do:”_ Harry outlined his plan that he created on the way to the reptile house. “ _Got it?”_ The snake nodded. “ _Good, now we-_ woah!” Harry exclaimed as a miniature whale pushed him away from the glass.

Dudley the whale pushed his piggish nose up to the glass, shouting, “Look, Piers, look! It’s doing something!”

Harry grinned, muttering under his breath, “Sayonara, fucker.” Then the glass separating the whale and snake disappeared and the whale fell through, while the snake playfully licked Dudley’s shin, freaking Dudley out even more.

The snake slithered past Harry, who murmured to it, “ _Wait outside the park, we’ll lead you to the car._ ” The snake nodded in acknowledgement, then slithered off towards the main gate.

Vernon the adult whale stomped up to Harry and grabbed him roughly, asking, “What did you do?” in a harsh undertone.

Putting up his best faux-innocent voice, Harry replied, “I-I dunno! One second the glass was there, the next, it was gone and Dudley fell into it!”

Vernon’s eyes narrowed, “Don’t play games with me, boy.” he growled.

“P-promise, it was there then it wasn’t!” Harry made sure to have that stutter- it gave effect to the act.

Vernon peered closer, then patted him on the back, “I believe you, boy. Just try not to do this again.”

Eyes widened in fear and confusion; Harry nodded numbly. Holy cowshit, that was weird. Good thing that the Dursleys had the whole ‘bi-polar’ shtick going on. Maybe he could use that to his advantage? That required more thought.

He definitely had more of that than the Dursleys combined.

Once they had gotten Dudley free from his too-small enclosure, the Dursleys, Piers, and Harry quickly left the Zoo. Harry got to the car before the rest of them and helped sneak the Boa Constrictor into the trunk.

When they finally got back to Privet Drive, Harry waited until they had all entered the house to open up the trunk and let the Constrictor out. “ _Okay, you see that shed over there? Go in there and stay until tonight- if you see mice or rats, feel free to eat them._ ” He told the snake.

It bobbed its head and slithered past the cars and into the shed.

As he watched the snake enter the shed, he paused not knowing what to do now. Shrugging, he opened the door to the house and entered in. And was promptly shoved into the cupboard. Hearing the lock click, he shifted around and got comfortable enough to, if not sleep, doze off into a state of half-wakefulness.


End file.
